To-Do List for Surviving the Dubya Years


By RICK MORANIS
January 22, 2001
Los Angeles Times
 

  • Stock up on Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
  • Learn the names of wrestlers.
  • Put O'Reilly book on coffee table.
  • Start collecting "Dogs Playing Cards" paintings.
  • Write letter supporting plan to convert abortion clinics to banjo clinics.
  • Find out who flies to Dollywood.
  • Meet with accountant to discuss new Barbecue Tax Credit for purchases over $5,000.
  • Buy new barbecue.
  • Start calling children Rachel-Jo and Junior.
  • Practice using regionally influenced conversational similes till I'm smoother than a desert snake's belly.
  • Download evolutionary biology syllabus from www.bobjones.edu.
  • Throw out sun block.
  • Write letter condemning Clinton plan to give Chappaqua to Palestinians.
  • Become standoffish with gay friends.
  • Buy new ergonomically designed cork-handled 6-foot graphite fishing rod with ceramic guides and tri-bearing aluminum reel specially designed to alleviate wrist fatigue (tell Junior to keep reminding me to use other hand for drinking).
  • Change smoke alarm batteries in bomb shelter.
  • Misspell Barbara Striseand.
  • Have mechanic remove catalytic converter from El Camino.
  • Salvage olive green- and brown-colored clothing by tie-dyeing them camouflage.
  • See if cowboy boots fit (should be in storage locker with mechanical bull).
  • Reconsider wearing fur.
  • Check Ebay for attractive spittoon.
  • Stop henceforth checking addition on all hotel, restaurant and car rental bills from Florida vacations.
  • Remember that Elvis is "The King"--not Miles Davis.
  • Cease and desist all recycling.
  • Pray.

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    Rick Moranis Is a Writer and Actor