My Personal Recount

New York Times
Monday, Nov. 27, 2000

I think I may have done better on my SAT's. I also think I won the New Jersey state lottery last week. I think the bank miscalculated the mortgage rate and payment schedule on the co-op loan for my six-room, fourth-floor apartment. I also believe it is actually a nine-room unit on the 12th floor.

I believe God created the world in eight or nine days. I think my cholesterol is lower. I think that my zip code is one digit off and that I deserve more frequent-flier miles. I think I was served only five oysters at the Three Seasons yesterday. I think I overtipped.

I think I may have had fewer moving violations on my newer car, with more cylinders and fewer miles. I think I'm taller. I think I read a lot more and watch much less television I think I have more channels.

I think I may have been a Beatle. I think I have a fever. I think everything I own is still under warranty and all my expiration dates are wrong. I think pi is slightly off. I think I hear everything in Dolby. I think I'm justified in thinking more highly of myself.

I think I bought Yahoo stock much earlier. I think I sold it. I think I birdied the 18th.

I think I overpaid my taxes and underreported my personal expenses and charitable donations. I think the refund is way, way overdue.

I think much more separates the men from the boys. I think men are from Mars and women are from a galaxy far, far away. I think brunettes have just as much fun.

I think, therefore I am more.

Rick Moranis is a writer and actor.